I'm so... confused. I thought my Kindle was giving me fits but this actually is the longest fucking romance you'll come across in forever at 750 pages!

Shit, three-quarters of a thousand pages of romance must have it all - sexy times, melodrama, maybe some suspense, family secrets, pregnancy scares, the whole fucking shebang, right?!

No. What it has is an Encyclopedia-level explanation of the International Oil Consortium and the business practices of a harbor in the Middle East and the history of foursomes between these two BFFs and an oddly detailed but still somehow vague explanation of how super fucking amazing these women are for being the best in their career fields as soon as they exited the womb. I have never seen an author try so hard to create Mary Sues - they literally take no effort at all.

As if that wasn't annoying enough, there are POV changes mid-paragraph like the author lost track of who they were supposed to be focused on. There are mid-convo infodumps that sound like reading an owner's manual. There is completely superfluous information scattered throughout - the car kicked up dirt as she drove down the road, but who the fuck cares? It has nothing to do with the current overly detailed conversation she's having on the phone. It didn't segue into anything. In a book that tops out at 750 pages, there is no good reason for filler bullshit that draws you out of the story due to its pure inanity.

But wait, there's more! So the h meets the H and it's literally the most bizarre conversation. She is of course dumbstruck by his oh so handsome appearance and he goes on this brown nosing slash worshipping rant about how smart and awesome she must be and he's heard rumors about her awsum speshulness. I swear the guy was like a puppy, he was damn near piddling the floor. But not in a "oh wow, this woman is so incredible it's intimidating" kind of thing, but more like a "let's reinforce the idea of how awesome this woman is by making a stranger gush about her like a 12 year old meeting Pam Anderson" kinda thing.

This was incredibly frustrating to read and I gave up before I made much headway. Nothing was really happening and there were so many pointless infodumps that I actually forgot what book I was reading and had to check the blurb again.

I am accepting of a lot of shitty writing, but this is just so bad. Everything about it just bugs the shit out of me.

Crazy long sex scenes. I dunno... I'm pretty meh about this one.

*heavy breathing*

I legit did not read far enough to get into spoiler territory. You know from the blurb that Fee's past has come back to haunt her and I made it two chapters in, so... no spoiler tags.

Fee was stalked and raped - it says so five times in two chapters. This is one of those "sexual-assault-changed-everything-about-the-way-I-live-my-life" chicks. Which is FINE. You wanna go all Sidney Prescott in Scream 3, that's cool.

Fee moved to a Bumfuck Nowhere little town to hide, she's changed her number repeatedly, she's gone the full nine yards - I'm willing to bet she has an unreasonable number of deadbolts on her front door. So then...

She sighed. Time to change her number again.
Eventually Stall would give up. He’d find a new victim; hopefully, one who could make a case against him and have it stick.

Oh my god, what?

She knows Crazy Rapist is stalking her again, so she's like "I'll just change my number and he'll get tired of chasing me. Find somebody else to stalk and rape." Because that's not the stupidest thing ever or anything, right?

"No need to tell my Special Ops brother and his SSI operative BFF that could probably help me with this, nooope!" This is no more significant than breaking a nail and upon further inspection, realizing you're gonna have to get a fill along with a new nail - an appointment that should have taken 15 minutes turns into an hour. That's the level of inconvenience this woman feels about her stalker finding her again.

Oh my god, what?

She sounds kinda awful.

So I didn't even make it to the halfway point and if I never hear the phrase "big blue cock" again, it'll still be too soon.

That was really getting on my nerves, but I was dealing with it. Then this chick starts calling the guy "master" without any prompting and the dirty talk was so amateur that I was reduced to a pile of giggles.

I give up.

I swear I've read this before.

*wipes away tear* That was good. Really good.

Cute little porno.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

This book. This motherfucking book, y'all.



The H/h have sex atop a giant snail while watching the sunset over the ocean.

I have written and deleted a thousand words in this review because I literally can't figure out how to express the feelings I am experiencing over this. But truly, words fail me right now.

It was a good read, but they kept having sex at the most inopportune moments. In the living room of a little old lady's house 10 minutes after meeting, or against a tree in the woods, or while escaping from murdering psychos, etc.

Also -0.5 star any time there is a prophecy that says the couple has to work together and then one of them suggests splitting up because they're pissy. I encourage all authors to reconsider making their characters that stupid.

Really liked Heather's powers, though. That was neat.

Weak characters, but a fun enough quickie. Shifting sounds fucking awful in this "world" and it doesn't really play much of a role in this story. It's just used as a reason for the h to refuse the H for a while.

Y'all, what the fuck is this? It's so poorly written and unbelievable that my forehead aches from keeping my eyebrows raised for so long.

OK so first of all, the title is not a metaphor like I assumed. It's really about Vikings. Offensively inaccurate Vikings that have zero basis in historical fact.

Second, this was ridiculous in a way that was just shy of being amusing.

Well that didn't last long at all. I didn't even finish chapter one. The MC is fuckin' dumb. I so don't have the patience for this chick right now and after one scene of her, I can confidently say I hope she dies in a fire.

No complaints. I'll write something later.

I liked this much more than the author's other recent works, she's had a few misses for me lately. Not this time, baby. This one's a winner.

Pretty steamy for Shalvis, I usually think of her stuff as sugary sweet and this certainly had its sugary moments. But it was also way sexier than I expected from this author.

Really sweet and naughty, but nothing terribly unique. Still read it nonstop, though.